Tuesday, March 20, 2012

MIA- Missing in Ambivalence

I didn't write a post yesterday. You may or may not have noticed. I'm feeling a bit ambivalent (I looked this word up to make sure it was the one I wanted, and it describes how I feel perfectly!) about what it going on this cycle. For those of you who aren't sure what ambivalent means (much like myself), here is the actual definition:

noun \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\
Definition of AMBIVALENCE
: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action
a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

Yep, that pretty much says it all! I rarely find a word that describes exactly how I feel. Are you wondering why I'm all ambivalent and stuff? It starts with another date with Alejandro...(enter flashback/dream sequence)

I woke up at 4:30 yesterday (to Tyler crying) and got a move on. Tyler and I headed on up to Baltimore and went and got my blood drawn and then headed up to meet with Alejandro. I was somewhat hopeful since I had a 14mm follicle on Saturday and leaped up onto the table with vigor (as much vigor as you can when you wake up at 430 and drive 90 miles) and got my paper sheet on. When the RE came in and wielded Alejandro I got in the stirrups and off we ambivalence.

As it turns out, my 14mm follicle is actually two smaller follicles that are snuggled up against one another. So basically I don't have a dominant follicle...after 19 days of injections. That is insanity! I honestly think that the RE wasn't sure what to do. We were at a crossroads of sorts. Our options were cancel the cycle and start a bleed so we can start from scratch, or increase my meds.

A week ago, I would have melted down into tears of despair at the though of ending the cycle. Yesterday I wasn't thrilled about the idea because we have already invested so much time and money into this cycle, but at some point you have to cry "Uncle!"

The RE wanted to review my blood work results and U/S pics with my regular RE and said they would get back to me. So I came home and waited. Eventually they called. The verdict is this: I am taking more meds. It makes me glad and kinda scared, too. Everything could come out fine. I could still not respond and have to cancel the cycle. Or I could overstim (have more than 3 dominant follicles) and have to cancel the cycle. So I took my higher dose last night (with a little extra for good measure).

I go back in on Friday to see Alejandro. I'm still ambivalent.