Thursday, March 15, 2012

What's the Diff?

Fair warning....this post is a lot of me thinking in type...not as entertaining or informative as some other posts. Sorry!

I have been thinking the last few days about whether going through fertility treatment is harder, easier, or the same as when I went through it to get pregnant with Tyler. The answer I have come up with is...I don't know.

It is definitely different this time for lots of reasons:

*I don't have a M-F, 9-5 job, which has alleviated a lot of stress in regards to having to take time off of work.

*I have a kid (sometimes 2) who I have to juggle when I need to go to the RE. I think this replaces the stress of not taking time off work! Thankfully, I have lots of support from family and friends who are more than willing to wake up before the birds and watch my kid. THANK YOU! You will never know how much this helps me and how grateful I am!

*I have a much longer commute to the RE than before. Since having Tyler, we have moved to the country. If the Evil Empire would quit being so evil, I would have about a 45 mile commute (each way) to the RE, but since they are just evil, I have found someone else and as a result have an 88 mile commute (each way). This increases our costs because of fuel prices, but Que Sera, Sera!

Looking at this list, I realize it is mostly logistical changes, but emotionally, this should be easier, right? I already got what I wanted. I have a beautiful, smart, well behaved son who is the light of my life! Shouldn't I just be happy I got him? That is what I always prayed least one child...I got my wish. Am I being greedy now?

Honestly, I think that is neither here nor there...we want what we want, and I want another baby. It is not something unreasonable to desire. I'm not a bad or neglectful parent. I don't want another kid for the tax write off (although its a nice benefit!). I want my son to have a sibling so that he has a built in friend and is not alone when my husband and I die.

So, emotionally, is it easier this time around? At first it most definitely was. We knew what our problem is, how to treat it, and had been through the treatment so there was very little, if any, anxiety about what was to come.

Now that we're a year into it...A YEAR!...I'm not feeling so hot about things. I've had a miscarriage and 2 failed IUIs in the last year. I'm an emotional wreck. I would have to ask hubby how it was last time (he remembers detail), but I don't think it got this bad for me before. I have really blocked out a lot of my TTC journey from before, probably because it was so unpleasant, so I am finding that I can't decide if it is harder this time.

Whether or not its easier or harder, I know one thing because this I DO remember: when its all said and done, when that baby is born, it will have been 110% worth every gallon of gas, injection of drugs, mile to the RE, and tear that I have/will shed!